Maybe it’s time to truly erase him from your life, says Mariella Frostrup. Or at least don’t allow him to impinge on you when he happens to be around
The dilemma I dated my sister’s husband’s best friend 12 years ago. At the end of our relationship, he became physically, verbally and emotionally abusive. He has refused to speak to my sister and her husband for years at a time because they are friends with me, but on the two occasions I moved to a different city, he found a way back into their lives and they allowed it. I reached out to him to try and coexist in the same friend group. He refused and has made every joint social situation awkward and painful for me and my fiancé. We have lost invites because he refuses to be in the same place as us and he has ruined other events due to his immature antics. My sister and her husband believe I am the problem because this guy is still mad at me for breaking up with him 12 years ago. I want a relationship with my sister and her husband but I’m frustrated at their victim blaming, disregard of my feelings (which I have expressed to them tirelessly), and the continued excusing of his abusive behaviour 12 years ago.
Mariella replies What a creep. It sounds like you made an excellent choice back then and you should feel pleased about it today. The fact that he’s so closely linked to your sister is a complication but it doesn’t have to remain an ongoing battle. I’m sure if we sat down together over a coffee you’d be able to present me with some unpleasant examples of this man’s actions at the time, and his continuing divisive behaviour that would provide compelling reasons for friends and family to shut him, rather than you, out of their social soirées.
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